Choices
Everyone has their own principle in life. Some choose to life their life to the fullest, some choose to excel in all. Some choose to dedicate their entire lives to a certain matter, while some choose to just live for the sake of living. Some choose to live the way they like, some have their lives pre-planned from birth.
My principle in life is simple: It’s my life. At the end of the day, if I can ask myself “Did I live my life without regrets?” and answer affirmatively, then I’m satisfied. Others may criticize me for my decisions, some might choose to point out the more rationale decision. But in the end, all that matters is that, I’m happy. So long as I can eat well, live well and sleep well, then screw rationale and “what if”s, I’m already content.
Back in 2007, after I got my SPM results, I rejected all scholarship offers in order to enroll into MMU. The reason? To study Nanotechnology. It was the only university in Malaysia offering the course, and the thought of graduating with a degree not every Tom, Dick and Ah Beng had was enticing. I had a huge row with my parents about coming to MMU (“Why waste money when you can study in Singapore for free?”), with them threatening to leave me to die on the streets, but I still persisted and came to MMU on my own. I paid my own rental (for the first few months before they gave in), managed my own living expenses, all the while juggling my own studies and leisurely activities like, gaming and joining random clubs.
Then, everything changed one fateful day, when I met and got to know my Foe-chan. After a few months, I confessed to her and we started going out with each other. Fast forward half a year, and it was time for me to choose my desired major.
I thought a lot about this issue. Sure, it was Nanotechnology that first enticed me to enroll in MMU, but choosing to pursue that course would place me in Cyberjaya – and away from my Foe-chan who was doing Law in Melaka. I was torn between two choice – to pursue the course I really wanted, or be by the side of the one I loved.
I chose to study Robotics in Melaka instead.
My parents blew up after I informed them of my decisions. Some of my friends raised an eyebrow over my choice, as I had previously stated that my main objective of studying in MMU was for its Nanotechnology course. I myself wasn’t sure what made me choose one over the other. I did know one thing, though.
That I never once regretted making that decision, even till today.
I discarded my dreams, my friends and my family for this. Despite that, I was happy.
That was, of course, till she told me that she would be moving to Bricksfield, KL.
To be honest, I don’t blame her. MMU’s Law Degree has been proven to be a fuck up, and anyone would choose to pursue something more realistic than a half-baked course here. Plus, her parents are insisting that she continue studying law and not business (whether they have a clue on what they’re talking about is another issue), and are pretty much threatening to discharge her from MMU if she doesn’t comply. She doesn’t really have a choice.
However, to be blunt, I’m… disappointed. In everything – MMU, her parents, Malaysian’s fucked up CLP nonsense, myself, everything. In short, Fuck the world. I no longer have the will to do anything, aside from sit in a corner and rot. Even buying a new, humorous book (“The Complete Zombie Survival Guide”) and forcing myself to read it doesn’t do anything.
Whenever I think about the choices I’ve made…
Whenever I think about the situations I’ve been in…
Whenever I think about the parallels between my case and hers…
Whenever I think about how she doesn’t have a choice…
Whenever I think about how her parents are being total fuckwads about this…
Whenever I think about how she won’t be greeting me every morning after this…
Whenever I think about how we won’t be able to be in the same German class after all…
Whenever I think about how we won’t be taking JLPT 3 together after all…
Whenever I think about how I won’t have the chance to invite her to the Prom after all…
How can I tell myself, at the end of the day, that I’m truly happy now?
April 20, 2009 at 10:42
I won’t say “Thank you,”
I’ll always keep it inside.
Goodbyes aren’t gloomy.
After a dream, I will quietly step off.
The fragments that rain into my hands,
I will always hold close
The strength to be smiling until the end;
that, I have already known.
Good morning; awakening is
blindingly bright sadness.
I cannot let you say goodbye,
our weakness was good to have been.
The gentleness that overflowed in us two,
let be reflected, like flowers, like love.
The quietness of low clouds waiting for the winds…
I can no longer hear it.
The fragments that rain into my hands,
I will always hold close
The strength to be smiling until the end;
that, I have already known.
I won’t cry anymore, I won’t cry…
And you will not either.
It’s rather embarassing to say whatever I’ve said to you a couple of minutes ago, but I sure hope you’ve paid attention to them.
I’ll always be here for you, and even if I can’t, I’m a phone call away, a webcam away.
So, don’t be sad anymore, please. Cheer up, I hope you’ll find the strength to continue pursuing your studies, just as I’ve found the strength to make the decision.
Never ever give up, on anything. I love you~ Always will.
May 15, 2009 at 2:37
I shudnt be here, since when I saw the first comment is something private and personal, however, as an old friend, would like to give u some words on this.
Two roads diverged in the wood, and sorry I couldnt travel both.
Sounds familiar, huh? Life is about making choices, and each choice you have made, will lead u further on. It’s never easy to make a decision, especially when that particular decision has a vital impact on your life.
Guess I will talk about my personal experience. It will be more convincing and motivating, compared to the philosophical cliches.
Back in 2007, results were out. Scholarships applications madness were on the rush. Then, went into NS in less than a week’s time after SPM result was released. Do I have a choice? Yes, perhaps taking up some courses to postpone my NS, so that I will be well-prepared for the scholarship applications. However, being embraced by the NS nightmare for the remaining schooling years was certainly not a good idea.
I went for NS training. I did my homeworks inside the camp whenever I had the time. 2 months flew. Rejections after rejections. Dream shattered. What should I do? Form 6, Foundation, A-levels?
And so I came to a crossroad again. A-levels. My mind was blank back then. I just knew I really wanted to go overseas. By any means.
So, I came to know a new friend. Tonnes of new activities. New perspectives.
As I blink my eyes, it was time to sit for my finals. A-levels just passed thorough, and set an indelible mark in my history of life.
Now, it’s time to make a decision again. Dream, is it reachable? or merely fables which nothing more than a mirage?
Don’t be afraid of making decision, for only by this way, your life is full of interesting milestones to be reflected on when you are old.
p/s: I don’t quite get the part when your parents said that you can study in Singapore for free. You secured the ASEAN pre-u scholarships back then? How come I never heard about it?
May 15, 2009 at 2:41
some mistakes to be edited:
1. thorough—->through
2. or merely fable which IS nothing more than a mirage?